In Love with an Addict? Why it is a "Good" Thing

In Love with an Addict? Why it is a "Good" Thing

Does your loved one's destructive behavior and continual lies make you feel like you are going crazy? Do you ask yourself daily, or multiple times daily, "Why on earth do I tolerate this person with this addiction?!"Do you feel confused when you experience moments with the addict where you feel joy and see glimmers of hope that things will get better? Sounds like you are in love with an addict.

And, although this might sound crazy, I think it is a "good" thing. Read that last statement again if you need to and notice if you had a reaction to it. Did it make you cringe? If you are someone with an addiction, are you curious why I say that it is a good thing to be in love with you?

Well, it is. I am not saying it is good to be in love with the addiction. That is a different thing. After all, The person you love is NOT their addiction. The addiction; however, is definitely a huge part of their lives and their world; especially their body, mind, and spirit. Every aspect of a person's BEING gets taken over by the illusion of what drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, financial addiction has to offer.

The "vice(s)" a person ends up using often becomes their reason; their excuse to repeatedly escape the feelings of loneliness, shame, sadness, guilt, pain-physical and/or emotional-etc. This desire to escape is not intentional; the brain's reward center kicks in with dopamine; the "gotta get it" neurotransmitter. The fix becomes more important than any relationship. Relying on this "vice" gives someone who has a history of trauma, shame, depression, sadness, attachment issues, etc, or even curiosity or accident (i.e. porn addiction is impacting children as young as 8 years of age) a reason/excuse to hide from who they truly are- the person you love.

Being in love with an addict means that at some point in your relationship, you saw their potential, along with their talents, intuitiveness, sensitivity, and brilliance. Many times, and understandably so, loved ones forget about these positive attributes, especially as they endure years of lies, deception, betrayal, and pain. I am not saying that because you have seen who this person really is-the "good" in them-that you should stay with them at all costs. It is crucial that partners, spouses, children, loved ones, do what they need to do in order to get/stay healthy, especially since we know that with addiction, the entire family system gets sick. For some, this may mean walking away from the relationship for awhile or forever. However, even if you walk away, it is still ok to love the person in their addiction.

Having healthy boundaries is a strong sign of loving the addict, and it may also feel really foreign. After all, you have probably found yourself enabling them out of fear that they might leave you or even die if you didn't. Setting boundaries can be the biggest form of telling your loved one just how much you care about them. Boundaries mean that because you love this person so much, you are drawing a line in the sand to assist them in getting help, not in dying. An example of a boundary is to no longer give your family member money, or monitoring their accounts, especially if you know they use it to buy drugs, alcohol, sex, gamble, etc. This may feel like policing, however, in the beginning of recovery, this behavioral boundary may prove effective. If the person with the addiction wants recovery, they will likely be open to this type of boundary. After all, it will assist them in being more honest and accountable.

Another way to show that you love your partner via boundaries is to do things for your own recovery. For example, attending therapy and joining a support group. This is a form of influence, not control, and a healthy way of showing your loved one that you too are learning new ways of coping with the addiction. A third boundary may be to limit contact with the person if they are using. If you live with them, limiting contact to a minimum; letting them know you are doing this is key as to not create more conflict than is already in the space.

Finally, and as previously mentioned, leaving for a short while or forever may be the ultimate boundary you practice which may need to be done as a sign of self love as well as loving them. If the relationship gets too toxic and the person with the addiction refuses help, leaving may be the ultimate boundary and act of self and other love.

It is ok to love someone who has an addiction; in fact, I think it is a "good" thing. Demonstrating your love by setting healthy boundaries is a beautiful way to take care of your own needs while insulating you from further pain caused by the addiction.

Remember, you are worth it!

Candice Christiansen

Founder at Namaste Center for Healing

Chocolate

Chocolate

Aren't the piece of chocolate
Suppose to sweeten cheerless mood
The darker is definitely better for the melancholy
The instant panacea curing the ill feelings
In the minute it melt heavenly in mouth

If all would be as simple as it sounds
I'd eat dark chocolate by kilos every day
At point when the occasion strike with hammer's blow
Just pop in , reaching to forbidden kitchen drawer

Not working , I can attest to fact
A little only while munching the desert
The sadness needs something stronger than sugar treat
The shot of hug , the cocktail of kisses with a cherry on the top

by Margaret Gudkov

Embroidery majestic floridness

Embroidery majestic floridness

Fait accompli to Chinese silk light beauty
The song to craftsmanship manifestation
To hands creating miracle equal to nature's

The woman's body harboring inside
Caressed lovingly by fabric soft murmuring
Her curves seeking barely zoetic touch
Celestial breath, mere whisper over skin

She wiggles in the silk embrace
The thighs rubbing in delicious tasting
Bringing desire up a notch while laying on the sheets
The sumptuous sheets seen verboten romps
That children cannot set the eyes on

by Margaret Gudkov
art by Evan Wilson

I am longing to be as free as butterfly

I am longing to be as free as butterfly
Not obligated sit on just one specific flower
Flying without any preordained thought
Adorning sky with multitude of tones
I'd relish nectar on the petals mixed into morning dew
Rest awhile and glide anew till other leaves and blooms
Catch my heart's compass, beckoning to reach out

I'd link amorphous connection, enjoying company
Afterwards saying goodbye , keeping the memory inside
To the untouched destinations, full of exotic stories
How light-weighted you might say, not serious about life
On contrary , I am filled with curiosity limitless horizon
Why bound yourself to same routine
When world present the opportunities abound
Be like butterfly or bird , not chained to the perimeter of space
But going places to partake in role , assigned from birth

by Margaret Gudkov

Nothing can compare to softness of your lips

Nothing can compare to softness of your lips
Surfing with abandon over crevices of mine
No down pillow suffocating snuggling abyss
No cuddly teddy bear from the buried past

I stare at you across the table wanting to touch
Naked under my flimsy dress, burning with fever
Can you read what my eyes advertizing blatantly
Saying not a word , seducing in the silent style

What is it to understand
Masking you embarrassment to permit the truth to fly
I command, beg you to find pretense and go under tablecloth
Indulge my lips in duel of the wills , opening the heaven door

Not courageous enough to balance on the border of absurd
Afraid the judging looks of jealous folks cause mental discomfort
You give me puppy gaze of timid stag first time laying eyes on doe
We on public darling, there are rules of etiquette bound to obey
I say to hell with it, be a pirate , abordaging me...drop the fork on floor and dive through ocean waves

by Margaret Gudkov
art by Jack Vettriano

There the limits

There the limits to the pain you bear

Knowing not when point of no return is reached
The heart assaulted by blitzkrieg of emotions 
Rolling to abyss , the eyes see darkness only
And then... you felt it moral and the physical cross roads

It can happen on the gorgeous sunny day
The weather does not compromise because of you
Nothing change around, the bench, park , lake stay calm
Witnessing deconstruction of person , wriggling in dolor
The inner spasms of desperation, loneliness and sadness
Hidden from the world, they are yours to experience

Anything can trigger the unfortunate event
Listening musicians boogie on the stage
The crowd cheering , dancing, whistling
Abruptly all is stopped inside of you in light of recognition
Another face appear in air, grimacing in return of aching loneliness
You been alone again even while making brave attempt to go out
The life, professional and personal, hanging on the scales
Nothing is settled... the goose did not lay the golden egg

by Margaret Gudkov
art by Eduardo Rodriguez Calzado

What heart is telling you

What heart is telling you

I talk to you
The smile grace the face
But deep inside the pain is drumming
To say I yearn to say the words to make you understand
Petrified to cut the fragile string connecting us

The silky thread of communication
Pulled by both sides not meant for such a pressure
Yet the colloquy should take a place between two sides of love
Not building the resentment in the heart till it's too late to resolve it

I am laughing, making jokes
Unsatisfied in the terms of the fulfillment, hiding angry streak
Grey hair in midst of many others starting to appear with
Regular proclivity,giving me the look of profundity , the wise woman
Which I am not , just trying to survive in the hostile waters

What heart is telling you ,does it feel unhappiness
Brewing to the boiling incalescence in my eyes
The inability of yours to change the things unfolding
Alarmed mentioning the things with open mind
Is hardly what I am looking for

by Margaret Gudkov
art by Sherry Lee Short